skybluespirit

Every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

Scars on the body are a proof of living, scars on the soul are a proof of loving.

You're just jealous because the voices in my head talk to me and not you.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't your sport.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

I don't suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it.

Fear not the darkness, mearly what it hides.

I know karate... And a few other Japanese words, too!

Pain doesn't hurt when it's all you've ever felt.

If you want to label something, go work in a soup factory.

I'm the kind of person your parents warned you about.

Guns don't kill people. I do.

What is easy is not always right, and what is right is not always easy.

Imagination is the one weapon against reality... FIGHT THE SYSTEM!

A good friend bails you out of jail. A great friend is sitting there next to you saying "Man, that was fun!"

At the end of the game, the king and the pawn go back in the same box.

Smoking is one thing in America that if you use it as directed, it kills you.

No tresspassing, violators will be shot, and survivors will be shot again.

Shove it, cough it back up, and let me stuff it back down again myself.

Reality is a nice place to visit, but I would never want to live there.

I swear to drunk, I'm not God!

You buy it, you break it. Just because you can.

"La la la," BOOM! evil laughter

Even the best erasers leave marks of the past.

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back, and let the world wonder how you did it.

Jesus loves everybody. Too bad everyone else hates your guts.

I'm not evil- I have the heart of a little girl! In a jar! On my desk!

Some people are like slinkies: Not really good for anything, but you can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it doesn't take any to just sit there with a dumb look on your face.

Hard work pays off after time, but laziness always pays off now.

You're not drunk enough until you have to grab the grass to keep from falling off the earth.

Don't like my attitude? Call 1800-KISS-MY-ASS

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes

Unite against togetherness!

Reality Sucks! I’m Gonna Keep On Dreamin

If your name was homework, I'd be doing you on my desk right now...

No fear! (NAME) is here!

I Don’t Like The Drugs, But The Drugs Like Me

Life's a bitch. Be its pimp

I'm better than normal, I'm abnormal!

A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts

Intelligence could be instinct which has it at the wrong end

When life hands you a lemon, break out the tequila and the salt!

What is arrogance? Thinking you can compete with me!

I’ve lost my phone number, can I have yours?

Not me, not now, maybe later...

Life's a beach... Surf it up!

Trying is the first step towards failure

I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot

If it is tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but milk do?

Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?

When cows laugh, does milk come out of their nose?

Gravity always wins

The easiest way to avoid a hangover is to just stay drunk

There are some that are wise and others that are otherwise

I'm not an alcoholic. I am a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings

Buy land, they have quit making it!

Don't judge a man by his boxers, it's what's inside that counts

I'm not suffering from insanity, I'm enjoying every minute of it

Eat healthy, exercise more, still die

Children in the dark cause accidents. Accidents in the dark cause children

Oh my god, you killed Kenny!

Panties aren't a mans best friend, but they are next to it

Statistics are used by people who have no proof

Divorce: from the Latin word meaning "to rip a man's heart out through his wallet

You'll never get rid of a bad temper by losing it!

If you act crazy all your life, they'll never be able to commit you

In the land of the skunks he who has half a nose is king

Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop

I like to con and insult people, that's why I chose to become a Consultant

If at first you do not succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing

In the event of an emergency landing why do the people in the pamflet look so calm?

I can't wait to see how you look when I'm naked

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights do make a left

3 words to ruin a guys ego..is it in??

You can better lose a lover than love a loser

I'm only crazy when other people cant stand that I'm right

Women/Men are like public toilets, they are either taken or full of shit

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one

*WHY I'M KNACKERED*
I'm knackered because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 61 million.
31 million are retired.
That leaves 30 million to do the work.
There are 19 million at school.
That leaves 11 million to do the work.
2 million are unemployed and 4 million are employed by the Government to look after us.
That leaves 5 million to do the work.
One million are in the armed forces, which leaves 4 million to do the work.
3 million are employed by County and Borough Councils to help the government to look after us.
That leaves one million to do the work.
There are 620,000 people in hospital and 379,998 in prisons.
Which leaves 2 people to do the work.
You and me !!!
And you are sitting on your butt reading this.
No wonder I'm knackered

Boredom Relief

How to annoy telemarketers:

1. Ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
2. Say "no" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
3. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
4. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog has the gout..."
5. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
6. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.
7. Ask them to repeat everything they say several times.
8. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
9. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .
10. When the salesperson asks, "Is this the homeowner?" say, "Is this the salesperson?" And when they say, "Yes," hang up.

How To annoy your teachers:

1. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
2. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
3. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY". (At Least for the Male profs.)
4. Address the professor as "your excellency".
5. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"
6. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.
7. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.
8. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
9. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.
10. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?" Become agitated when the professor can't understand you.
11. Wink at the professor every few minutes. (Hey you might even get a date if he/she is cute.)
12. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet #5" at the top, and start passing it around the room.
13. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.

How to make your parents think you're crazy:

1. Follow them around the house everywhere.
2. Moo when they say your name.
3. Run into walls.
4. Say that wearing clothes is against your religion.
5. Stand over them at four in the morning with a huge grin on your face and say, good morning sunshine
6. Pluck someone's hair out and yell, "DNA"
7. Wear a sticker that says, "I’m a retard"
8. Have 20 imaginary friends that you talk to all the time.
9. In public yell, "No Mom/Dad, I will not make out with you!!"
10. Do what they actually tell you.
11. Jump off the roof, trying to fly.
12. Hold their hand and whisper to them, I see dead people.
13. At everything they say yell, Liar.
14. Try to swim in the floor.
15. Tap on their door all night

How to make Wal-Mart Shoppers think you're crazy:

1. Get boxes of adult diapers & randomly put them in peoples' carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I think we have a code blue in house wares," and see what happens
5. Put some M&M's on lay away.
6. Move CAUTION WET FLOOR signs to carpet areas.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department, tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department
8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, " why won't you people leave me alone"
9. look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose
10. dart around suspiciously while humming the theme to "mission imposible"
11. while handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
12. in the auto department practice your Madonna look using different sized funnels
13. hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through whisper "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"
15. Go to the fitting room and yell real loud..."Hey we're out of toilet paper in here!!"

How to annoy bathroom friends:

1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, ''May I borrow a highlighter?''
2. ''Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.''
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. ''Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.''
5. ''Damn, this water is cold.''
6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly. 7
. ''Now how did that get there?''
8. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,''Whoa! Easy boy!!''
9. '' Interesting....more sinkers than floaters''
10. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,''Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
11. ''Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?''
12. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your ''Cross-Dressers Anonymous'' newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.
13. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, ''Peek-a-boo!''

How to annoy people in a drive-thru

1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and let your passenger order.
2. Ask the price of almost everything on the menu and then order something that you didn't ask the price for.
3. Tell the employee that your window is broken. Order and then pay with your door open. When the food comes, roll down the window and snatch your order from their hands.
4. Go to McDonald's and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.
5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels.
6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you're in.
7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window-shopping and drive on.
8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup
9. Ask the cashier how they fit into that little box.
10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
11. Demand to speak to the manager. When they come on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said,
12. When asked if they can take your order say, "Sure, can I take yours?"
13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.
14. Pretend your car has broken down. Ask for assistance moving it. When they come out, drive away.
15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.
17. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.
18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag with all the trash from your car in it.
19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare.
20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line

Piczo